woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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