Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
