He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
