Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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