I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
