Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
