I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it because I queefed?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
