3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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