The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
