Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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