Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
People in love make me want to vomit
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
