Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
