Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
