when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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