Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
