I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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