I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
