did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
