I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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