yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
