i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
