woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Floor bacon is actually really good
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
