At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
