Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
