Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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