I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
