You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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