Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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