he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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