He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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