I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.