maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
