Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
