You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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