I can text with my tongue
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
