Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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