so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
