Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
