Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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