She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
