rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
