My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
