i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
