Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
