Your dad touched me again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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