i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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