can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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