The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
