I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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