I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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