I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
