I hope mine doesn't look like that
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
