please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
