No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
