apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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