Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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