what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
