***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
