So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
