Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
