She is in my trunk
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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