Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
